Resolute (2013 Edition)

Percy is clearly apprehensive about the New Year

...or the fact that I'm smothering him. Hard to say.

Yes, I am aware that we are now racing through March and spring is well on its way, but nevertheless I wanted to write down my New Year's resolutions. I mentally formed these a while ago, around New Year's, in fact! (Fancy that.) Last year I found it infinitely helpful to refer back to my resolutions post as a means of checking progress and motivating myself to continue toward set goals when I felt in a rut, and I'm keen to continue that in 2013.

In true nerd fashion, I adore making goals, any excuse to write up a list, etc. That extends to New Year's resolutions. I liked what Claire from The Captive Reader had to say about this increasingly controversial practice, that she saw no need to form resolutions since she's already perfectly happy. And to some extent, I agree. I am happy! Still, I am an individual excited and motivated by the idea of improvement, especially self-improvement. Setting out to make changes for the better thrills me to no end. 

Really, I truly believe they can be great for the majority of us. They gear us up for new experiences at a time when most of us are feeling like we could use a boost. (For the record, I blame holiday treat overload for this effect.) Provided an individual steers clear of resolutions one loathes yet feels inexplicably compelled to make -- this is when many a gym membership is compulsively purchased then just as swiftly forgotten -- I wholly endorse the practice. Hurrah for resolutions! 

First up are my reading resolutions...

Read 45 texts. Last year I fell just short of my goal to read 40 texts, so I'm being slightly optimistic here. I'm perfectly aware I might not achieve this at all. And that's okay. Having my goal in mind last year often served as a gentle reminder to put down the remote control and pick up a book. It spurred me on or kept me going when suffering through a reading drought or in the middle of a dud. I'm setting this resolution with the view that it will provide much needed encouragement whether I meet the ultimate goal or not.

Get back to the classics! Last year I wanted to spread my wings by veering into twentieth-century and contemporary literature, experience the literary world outside my little box. I did, and it was great!

Come December though, I wanted to go back to my roots. I missed my crazy Victorians! (They still accounted for nearly 25% of my 2012 reading, so the fact that I felt their absence says something quite worrying about my psyche, I think.) The eighteenth-century was virtually abandoned, and I want to incorporate those writers back into my reading habits as well. It was great moving away from my comfort zone, but this year I'd like to refocus on my chief interests -- and make some major progress on my Classics Club list while I'm at it. 

Poetry and drama. In 2012 I pinpointed several new genres I wanted to explore and had great success in some of these, especially nonfiction. While I did read some poetry and drama, these formats weren't delved into with the depth I would have liked, so I'm reiterating this goal for 2013. After receiving some gift cards for my October birthday, I picked up some new titles under these categories: The School for Scandal and the major works of John Keats among them. I have no excuse to neglect poetry and drama this year.

Children's classics. When I worked at a bookstore I took advantage of the employee discount by accumulating as many items as my meagre paycheck would allow, and I collected some great children's classics during this time. 

I haven't read any of them. 

It's time to stop making excuses and finally finish The Secret Garden despite any distractions. Time to open The Jungle Book. Treasure Island. Peter Pan. Multiple novels by Jules Verne. Simply typing out these titles whets my literary appetite. Why haven't I done this before?

Literary nonfiction. While I made great headway in this genre last year, there's still room for improvement. I have multiple author biographies sitting forlornly on my shelves, accounts of my beloved eras or their monarchs, etc. that call for my attention. I'm especially looking forward to Claire Tomalin's recent biography on Charles Dickens, another recent addition to my library.

And now for my general resolutions...

Take a photography class. I've gleefully been snap happy lately, and I'd like to learn how to use the fabulous camera I received for Christmas. I mean, I kinda, sorta know how to use it...but not really.

Get published. I set this goal last year and failed, but I'll keep plugging away at it. To be fair, I have spoken at three conferences in the past four months and was accepted to present at another this summer. Progress, slow but steady progress. 

Fill up my personal journal. Blogging is a fantastic way to document life and its experiences, but I still need to make time to express those private thoughts and feelings.

Make time for cultural activities that make me happy. I simply adore museums, theatre, and traveling. The stimulation they provide adds significantly to my happiness. Basically, if I'm mentally bored, I'm miserable. Yet I often make excuses about why I can never make time for these things: I'm too busy with work, I don't have the money right now, there's nothing good around at the moment, etc., etc., etc. 

Enough with the excuses! I need to make it a priority. Progress has already been made in this arena, particularly with my recent visits to the ballet. I'm looking forward to more of these experiences throughout the year. 

Organization/Stress Management. Guys, I'm posting my New Year's resolutions in mid-March which speaks volumes. Organization seems to be my Achilles' Heel. Despite my best efforts, I always seem to be frazzled, stressed, feeling like I'm eight tasks behind. If I can conjure up an organizational system that works for me and focus on remaining calm when under pressure, I'll be more at ease in every aspect of my life.

Be Kinder. This is a lifelong goal. While I consider myself to be a fairly nice person as it is, I think it's useful to always be mindful of how I treat others and aim to speak and act with kindness to everybody, especially those I love.

I'm sure you're all much more organized than I am and posted resolutions in January. How are they going so far?

Overwhelmed

To say that I am currently feeling overwhelmed is an understatement. Professionally speaking, I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment: conferences to apply for, conferences papers that have been accepted need to be revised, student essays must be marked, funding applications filled out, proposals finetuned.

Unforunately, all these tasks seem to be engendering perncious thoughts of self-doubt that attack at the most inopportune times: am I any good at teaching? isn't this conference abstract pure rubbish? who will ever fund this drivel of words masquerading as a proposal? am I doomed to fail at everything in life?!

Oh, the melodrama!

At times like these, I always feel a strong desire to run away, to distance myself from the unpleasantness of a difficult situation. Right now I want to be on the moors, channeling Emily, Charlotte and Anne; especially Emily, who often escaped there herself. Provided a magical internal heater would protect me from all the wuthering, I'd love to sprawl out as the squishiness of the botanical life beneath provides comfortable cushioning, watch the clouds pass overhead and forget these nagging worries. Just simply be.

Then I remember it wasn't too long ago that I didn't have the luxury of stressing myself out about lesson plans or conference presentations. I didn't get to teach and I didn't get to share research with an academic community. While I definitely need to prioritize and work on stress management, isn't it wonderful that I have pursuits in my life that I care about so passionately? Not everybody has that. Many don't have the luxury of working at a job they love or, in this troubled economy, a job at all.(I was in that boat not too long ago!)

So over the next few weeks as I wrestle with managing multiple projects and the consequent anxieties, I'll do my best to remind myself that I'm pretty damn lucky to get to worry about such trivialities.

If all else fails, running away to the moors can always be my Plan B.

Poetry: The Food of Love or Faux Pas?

'I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love!'

'I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love,' said Darcy.

'Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.'

-- Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice

Lately I've been wondering about the role poetry plays in dating, my thoughts on which begin with a little story.

Picture this:

A friend of mine recently went on a date which seemed to be going well: the conversation flowed, there was that spark of attraction which painful encounters lack. An invitation back to the date's Brooklyn apartment presented itself, and my friend accepted. 

Things were going very well!

Until suddenly the date in question, without encouragement of any kind, pulled out poetry that had been published in a small magazine and proceeded to read it aloud. 

My friend politely listened, silently wondering when she could make her escape without breaching the laws of etiquette or wounding tender feelings, when the date decided it was time to abandon poetry and play the guitar.

It was the final nail in the coffin. As far as I know, there has been no successive date. (Shocker!)

Sadly my friend is not alone in this predicament, for a similar occurrence happened to me. Perfectly normal conversations have been soiled by my unwelcome, and uninvited, subjection to poems about death. Because nothing says romance like melancholy writings on mortality? There I was, uncomfortably twiddling my thumbs while speculating how to respond without indicating that I wanted to hear more. I just wanted to get away; far, far away!

All this leads me to wonder if this sort of event transpires with frequency. In the intellectual/reader/writer/student dating pool, do overeager individuals often torment potential partners with similarly awkward encounters? 

I consider this to be a big no-no when it comes to dating (and social interactions in general for that matter). Perhaps it's motivated by a desire to bare one's soul to an object of attraction, but it comes off as vain and conceited. And if the poetry in question is bad, it comes off as groundlessly narcissistic in the grand tradition of Don Quixote.

Here's the dilemma: how does one appropriately respond to the song that sounds like nails on a chalkboard or the short story featuring the grammatical competency of a twelve-year-old? Do you proffer slight compliments? Offer an honest critique? Or do you simply say, 'Well, this has been fun, but I really must get home to shampoo my hair'?

No, no, just no. Particularly in the early stages of a relationship, I feel it's only considerate to wait for an invitation to share one's art. 

Elizabeth's right. There's no surer way to kill 'a slight, thin sort of inclination' than to read one's poetry uninvited. It only takes one sonnet. If you save that sonnet for when your significant other is already hopelessly in love, surely the rose-colored glasses will lead them to assure you of its brilliance...even if it's rubbish. 

Thoughts? Has this happened to anybody else out there? Are Elizabeth and I in the right, or do you agree with Darcy?

2012

Before I set forth resolutions for 2013, I'd like to review 2012, what I accomplished and how well I adhered to my resolutions. 

My reading goal was forty texts, for which I was far ahead of schedule until I started my job. I ended up finishing just short of my ambitions, but that's okay. More than anything, I wanted to increase the quality of my reading while broadening my horizons, and I did that. Hurrah!

Here's a more detailed recap of my reading goals:

Read 40 texts. I completed 36. Since I failed to reach fifty percent of my reading goal in 2011 (I blame all that literary criticism -- what a distraction!) and more or less abandoned pleasure reading with the commencement of my job, I'm fairly pleased with this result.

Read more non-fiction. I kicked some major ass here and thoroughly enjoyed myself in the process. I read seven non-fiction books this year, which accounts for nearly twenty percent of my reading. What an improvement. These ranged from author biographies (Bill Bryson's Shakespeare) to essays on reading (Ex Libris by Anne Fadiman). Hopefully this trend continues in 2013.

Read more poetry and drama. I read two books of poetry (Sylvia Plath and Elizabeth Barrett Browning) and two Oscar Wilde plays. Not a bad start on the whole. The good news is I've recently been accumulating some texts that fall under these categories by writers such as John Keats and Richard Brinsley Sheridan, so I'm gearing myself up for continued growth in this area.

Read more 20th century/contemporary fiction. Again, major success! In the past I've been drawn to awful YA fiction when not in the mood for Victorian density. Not to say that there's no merit in this genre -- there is -- but more often than not I'd finish a YA novel wishing I hadn't wasted my time. So, I promised myself I'd seek out higher quality literature for my escapist reads, and I'm happy to say I've experienced few reading regrets this year as a result. Nearly a third of this year's texts are literary 20th century/contemporary publications, and I'm pleased to report I  found some new all-time favourites (e.g, I Capture the Castle; this book is, without question, the bee's knees).

Here's the funny thing: while I'm proud to have pushed myself outside my comfort zone, I feel as though I barely read from the long nineteenth century at all. Nevertheless, the Victorians accounted for nearly one fourth of my reading. This goes to show how much I rely on them. Maybe I'll shift this year's focus back to my beloved era. 

Read from my Classics Club list. I read eight titles from this exhaustive list. I need to quicken the pace.

Read from libraries. Don't buy books. Ha! I was doing quite well with this until I generated an income and decided to reward myself with (what else?) multiple trips to the bookstore. Also, I received gift cards for my birthday; and books you didn't technically buy yourself surely don't count, right?

Despite my hopeless book-buying compulsion, I read nine texts that had been sitting on my shelf for some time. 21 were borrowed, either from friends or the library. Only four were texts I purchased this year. Not too shabby. Of course, this doesn't account for all the books I bought but haven't yet read, but I'd rather not count those at the moment....

Right, that's the books. Now let's move on to general resolutions:

Get published. No, not yet. I'm still working on this one. I did, however, present at my first academic conference this fall and have two more on the horizon. 

Get creative with cooking. Success! I wanted to try various vegetarian recipes this year. Not only did I do that, I managed to convince my resolutely omnivorous family that meat-free dishes can be tasty too. Over the past months I've tried the following:

Chana masala with cream and extra veggies

Sweet potato curry

Goat cheese pasta by Giada de Laurentiis 

Quinoa-stuffed zucchini boats

Mexican quinoa with black beans and cilantro

Roast potatoes (for Christmas dinner, obviously)

Victoria sponge cake

Caramels

Visit a Literary Mecca. No literary pilgrimage for me in 2012. I had to content myself with local mini-breaks, but I'm not complaining. It was lovely to get away for as long as I did, and I can look forward to holidays further from home in 2013. 

Earn money of some sort. Success! Not only did I get a job, I'm finally on the career ladder I want to climb. 

Get in shape. Ha! That's all I have to say on the subject.

I have some photos from 2012 to share, but that will have to wait for another post. How did you fare with your 2012 resolutions?

I'm Not Dead

A recent visit to the farm

Despite what my prolonged absence from cyberspace might suggest, I am, indeed, alive and well. 

I never mentioned it here on the blog, but this past August I was hired as adjunct faculty at a local university, and I recently completed my first semester as an instructor of intermediate writing. The past four months have been stressful, overwhelming, time-consuming...and profoundly gratifying. It's a relief to learn that, after years of education and a pile of student loans, I'm on the right career path!

Needless to say, I've dreadfully neglected this space as I've adjusted to my new job. I hope to change that, but I've also been considering what I want this blog to be. I love books! I love blogging about them and reading what others in the blogosphere have to say about literature. I talk about books with friends, family, students and co-workers. But as much as I love them, occasionally I'd like to discuss other topics. I have other creative endeavours in mind. 

So, at the risk of boring my minute readership to tears, visitors will be seeing a variety of posts here. Yes, I will absolutely continue to write about books. Literature is too big a part of who I am. Be prepared, however, for blurbs on the fabulous film I saw, the photos I snapped, or my recent holiday. Such things have appeared here before, but I always felt this mysterious restraint when it came to writing about other topics regularly. Which is downright silly. The culture that shapes me isn't limited to literature, so why am I limiting my posts? From now on I will be free to write about whatever strikes my fancy! If any of you would like to join me in the journey, that would be swell.

(Swell? Not sure where that came from. Hmm....)

I have a couple of New Year posts planned, but I wanted to explain my silence first. I hope you all enjoyed a happy holiday season with loved ones! I look forward to reading about your resolutions and reading goals for 2013.

On Fishing and Swimming Upstream

Me, in York. Next to Water. Follow the Metaphor?

This week has been hard. At the moment, my life is in limbo. Stuck between my past and my future, the present has left me a bit confused about where I'm headed in life. Getting an interview for a job that would pay me even half of what someone with my education supposedly earns seems a task of gargantuan proportions. The past several months I've been consumed with thoughts of PhD study: writing proposals, rewriting proposals, emailing referees, emailing potential supervisors, applying for a place, applying for a scholarship, sending off a pile of words that I hope somebody will want to publish. Repeat. I've put everything I have into the process. A few days ago I received a personal email from a university, informing me that while I deserved a full scholarship that would pay my fees and living expenses while I wrote a thesis in a lovely English town, I didn't get it.

'This is not the news you deserve.' It's hard to be told you're not good enough, that your skills aren't up to scratch. But not receiving something that I've yearned and worked for, and that I apparently deserve, is more difficult to hear than any criticism I've previously been dealt. 

In short, my poor heart broke a little. Or a lot.

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm a lucky woman. I've experienced harsher difficulties in the past, and even those painful memories are a mere shadow of the injustices people the world over face on a daily basis. Today, however, I'm giving myself permission to admit that I'm struggling, that I don't like it, and that while the obstacles of others are undoubtedly worse, it doesn't make mine any easier to bear.

I'm swimming upstream.

Waiting for the catch

On Wednesday, I was fortunate enough to have a friend take me out for a lovely evening, a much needed distraction from my woes! (How's that for melodrama?!) Venturing out to the cinema, we saw Emily Blunt and Ewan McGregor in Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (trailer here). Concerned with a sheik who wants to do the seemingly impossible, migrate British salmon to a habitat to which they aren't naturally suited, the film relies on the metaphor of the fish and the fisherman to explore relationships, love and life.

These particular salmon, you see, are farmed fish. The question looming over this Quixotic project is whether these fish, unaccustomed to a wild environment, will swim upstream or allow themselves to be swept down river. As I sat there in the cinema, this disappointing news weighing heavy upon me, I couldn't help but compare my situation to the metaphor of the salmon. Will I continue to swim upstream, fighting against the strength of the current, reaching for something higher? Or will I allow the currents to sweep me away?

But then, [SPOILER ALERT] a flash flood kills the vast majority of the salmon, so perhaps I don't want to compare myself to these unfortunate fish.

Perhaps I am the fisherman.

In a discussion between Fred (Ewan McGregor), a fisheries expert, and the ambitious Sheik Muhammed (played by Amr Waked), the latter asks if the former is religious. No, is the reply. 

'But you are a man of faith,' the sheik insists. Prompted by Fred's confusion, the sheik explains that fishing itself is an act of faith. A fisherman will wait patiently for hours, casting his rod time and again, merely hoping for a catch.

This bit of the movie stuck with me. Like Fred, I'm not particularly religious either, but I can get on board with the idea of faith: the belief in something that is hoped for, but not seen.

So, here I am, metaphorically casting my rod, exercising faith that something good will come out of it. Whether an amazing scholarship miraculously comes my way, I score a fantastic job, or the river steers me in a new direction I didn't see coming, I'm choosing to believe in an exciting future. Things will get better. My education will continue. Travel adventures aren't over. I know it.

I might have to stand in the strong currents of the river for a while, but sooner or later, I'm going to catch something spectacular, a catch work waiting for.